| Another list... |
|
|
| 09:32pm 06/04/2006 |
| |
I'm so stupid...
I did it again...
So what happened next?
I pushed him away.
He looked at me like I was crazy.
What he doesn't know is I am...
Part of me doesn't want to talk to him at all...
Part of me is dying for my phone to ring.
I don't want to get hurt again...
But that's not the right thing to say. Not at all.
I'm still hurt.
And it's killing me...
Slowly...
It's not just him either. It's everyone.
I need alone time...
But I want to be held. And loved... Like that one Sunday... (bearing one of my favorite and yet, not well known, memories)
Ryan and I had broken up... One of those times... can't remember when. I was crying. He didn't say a word. Or if he did, it was something like "I know." He put his arm around me. Nothing needed to be said. Nothing. He knew I was hurt. But he will never know how much I need him now or that I would give up everything to have him here, telling me how stupid I was. I miss him so much. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 11:07pm 21/03/2006 |
| |
My heart is beating fast... my hands are shaking... please tell me that this doesn't have anything to do with tonight. Please tell me that this one thing that I've held on to isn't going to end.
I can't even trust myself anymore... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| I think I wanted to write in here because I'm not sure how many of my friends actually read this... |
|
|
| 09:32pm 20/03/2006 |
| |
I have a girlish infatuation...
As much as I say I don't, I miss him...
I miss having people think I'm something special...
I miss smiling...
I miss being excited to go to class...
I miss my best friend(s)...
I miss being somewhat independent...
I hate the fact that my standards interfere with my wishes...
I just want to kiss him once... just because I never have...
I want my mom to stop worrying about me...
I have never been so lonely in all of my life...
I want to see him at least one more time before anything else happens that would prevent me to...
I hate tough decisions...
I hate the fact that I don't feel comfortable in my own church anymore...
I hate not being able to play like him...
I hate waking up and realizing that everything has changed and will never be the way it was... never be good like that... ever again. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 10:19pm 24/07/2005 |
| |
If I said I screwed up on February 14, 2003, would you know what I was talking about?
I don't know how to do this. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 11:23pm 23/07/2005 |
| |
mood:  contemplative
|
Ok, after some careful research, I realized that this might be a harder task that I thought it was going to be. The key is going to be availibility...
And looking back, I feel bad. Almost regretful... But that's over now.
The past is behind me and I have a great future before me. I just have to be careful that I don't screw this up again...
That's all. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 07:45pm 22/07/2005 |
| |
Home show is the 6th. I'm so going!!!
YAY! |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 11:47am 22/07/2005 |
| |
Is it just my or does that picture make me seem like I have really blue eyes? I always thought they were more crystally... Oh well. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 02:14am 22/07/2005 |
| |
Ok, so someone asked why I couldn't stop smiling tonight... which made me smile even more!
I love the way you make me glow... keep it up... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 12:04pm 12/07/2005 |
| |
I can't say that all is right with the world, but I can't say that everything is completely horrible as of yet. Sometimes I just wonder why though...
How could it possibly happen?
Why?
How could it happen?
Why?
What caused it?
Why?
And I never realized how lonely I get... How lonely I could become.
When I was cleaning my room, I found so many of the things I used to write... 3 journals full, several notebooks. Most got shredded just because they were memories that I feel could be lost without regret. I can't say that those times were my high point, but I do know that neither is this even though I'm trying to make the best out of it. It's hard sometimes though. Just sitting here... I want this to be a summer I'll never forget, but... I don't know. It just seems like... I don't even know how to describe it.
Scary...
I'm not so scared of moving on. It's the staying behind that I think is scaring me the most. My gosh, there's so many thoughts in my head. So many I just can't express right now... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| So yea... |
|
|
| 11:08pm 10/07/2005 |
| |
mood:  confused
|
I think I'm just posting to keep myself sane. No one will realy understand what any of this means, and that's ok becuase I'm not sure I want everyone to know what's going on.
It's kind of crazy though if you think about it. You read about all these tragedies and you try to sympathize with the people going through them, but it really is hard to realize what they are actually going through. I mean, if it's a physical ailment, it's usually not just the physical part that's wrong. Imagine what that person is thinking. You can reach out to them as much as possible, but what does it really matter unless they know that you really care.
And then there's th families... The poor families who finally realize that there is nothing they can do but sit there and wait. I can remember that when my grammy was dying. It got to the point where we knew that there was nothing we could do. So we sat there and waited by her bed. Just waiting... My dad was physically, mentally, and emotionally drained from that.
But to have it be someone really close to you. I don't know if I'll ever forget that day when I found out that Erin died. I kow I haven't yet. I still dream about it often and I picture the car crash (ever though I wasn't there when it happened). Life is just not fair sometimes.
And then there's the innocent people that you just can't help but thinking "Why would something like this happen to them? What did they do to deserve this?" I can't say that I've never thought this before. I can't say that I've never doubted all that I believe about eternity. That would be lying for sure. But I can say I know what I do believe and I'm still not sure why these things do happen.
So now I sit here in bed and try to look forward to tomorrow, which will be another day of the new stuff that I can't believe. It's just crazy sometimes.
And this is my life... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 06:05am 07/03/2005 |
| |
I think I need to work on getting my background up again...
Well, today is going to be fun! Jazz band til 5. I'm supposed to be up at RU by 6 (6:30). Bah! I think I might tell Hami that I can't play again today and see if he'll let me miss Jazz band. My lips still look and feel pretty bad. I guess we'll find out.
Other than that I think everything will be ok. It'll just be like that for the next couple of days. *sigh*
Ta ta!
I'll talk about Hally next time... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 06:02am 07/12/2004 |
| |
WOW! Times flys...
Will it ever be completely different? I think not... Do you know what it's like to never be the #1? |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 11:07pm 24/11/2004 |
| |
... I'm tired... I'm up thinking... I can't stand it... It hurts...
I hate it when my knee keeps me up. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 06:11am 08/11/2004 |
| |
It seems strange... I don't feel older, but I do feel physically ill!
I should just keep my mouth shut... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Life Lesson #1 |
|
|
| 07:05am 06/11/2004 |
| |
mood:  crushed
|
Birthdays are not special days... Why would you want to celebrate your body getting a year older? It doen't nescessarily mean that you've gained that year of knowledge (especially if you're stupid). Sure, the sentenment is nice, sometimes, but not for me... I've given up on birthdays.
I've also learned that the perfect in my live isn't so perfect... I've learned that no matter how hard I try... How much I put into it, it will always have the same result. Will that ever change?
(If you would've just changed the time like I asked, none of this would've happened... and we would be fine.) |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 06:27am 01/11/2004 |
| |
mood: crushed
|
I absolutely fell in love yesterday with one of the most beautiful (and sensible) cars I had seen in awhile. It was everything I've been looking for in a car... Amazing color, 61K, auto locks and windows, 2dr. (I've been looking on ebaymotors.com all morning trying to find a similar picture that I can post). Sadly I don't think this car will be mine because when we spoke to the dealer, he said he had someone else (that we happened to know) looking at the same car. It was exactly what I wanted and looked amazing... *tear* Don't you hate it when you see the beautiful?
I wish I could take is as my birthday present for the next 3 years. It wouldn't bother me at all... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 06:16am 29/10/2004 |
| |
mood:  tired
|
Let's see... I'm not quite back into this whole writing groove... Trying to think of what to say...
Today is our Halloween parade for band. Always fun to a certain extent, I would say. We always get food at the end! Then right after we get back, there's pep rally, which we'll have to play for... in uniform. We've never done that before. OY! Everything gets more complicated by the minute.
Dad comes home today. Apparentle he wants to take us out to dinner as well. This should be interesting.
That's all I can think of, so off I go. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Well... |
|
|
| 06:13am 25/10/2004 |
| |
mood:  determined
|
Ok, I'm ready for my slow, but sure comeback onto LJ. I hope everyone missed my little comments of the day etc. I had to take a break because of schedule, lifetime issues, and people who can't see me for who I am. Oh, it's all so exhausting.
~Everything with Ryan is wonderful. He still makes me incredibly happy...~
Life is busy though... I've been knitting and selling scarves, which has been minimumly profitable. I need to find a good way of advertising though... If you're interested, leave a comment with your e-mail and I'll get back to you.
Well, I guess it's time to start getting ready for school. TTYL everyone. For serious this time!
~Cindy |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 11:50pm 03/09/2004 |
| |
I know I'm stupid... That won't change. I know I don't understand often, but I try. I know that I make mistakes and I know that they are not few and far between. I know that many times I have not done things according to "plan". I know that many people don't see eye to eye with me (and maybe that's even true with you sometimes). I know that many think I'm above it all, but I'm not. I'm definitely not. Sometimes I don't know where it comes from and other times I feel like I should act on it right away. I have struggled with this for a long time...
One thing I have not struggled with is knowing my feelings for you. I know how I feel and how I'm going to feel. There's no questioning that at all.
I love you, Ryan
Through thick and thin I want to be there with you because of who I am and how I feel about you. There's no mistaking what I feel when I'm with you (and when I'm not with you). There's no mistaking that you are a great, kind, senstive, understanding person. There's no mistaking that I have not lied to you and I will not when it comes to every "I love you" and "You're so special to me".
PS- I think I found us a song... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
| 02:10pm 30/08/2004 |
| |
Uncle Curtis helped to find me a temp replacement car til we work on mine. It's a '93 teal cavalier. It's not the prettiest car right now, but it runs. Good engine. Good tires. Needs a paint job. Maybe some new mats and/or seat covers (steering wheel cover). We're going to move my CD player into it after we get the insurance stuff worked out on my other car.
Thanks Uncle Curtis! |
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
cdtrumpchic1386's journal